Aoi kun feels the same way I do today...

Aoi, via Twitter, 1 hour ago:

"At this hour, being alone makes me wanna cry and I'd like to rely on someone else. That's why I hate being alone. Writing these things.. it only seems that I'm seeking attention and I hate that too, but I'm not the type of person that can restrain himself and in the end I write. For this reason I always behave coolheaded and I play around. I have even that. I hate when I became annoying. In the end.. I end up avoiding the first recording day."

 Anyone who knows me (not many, nyuk nyuk)  knows that I love this man. I think I shall explain this later on. It struck me because he totally said what I was feeling to the nth degree. Being alone sucks..but what sucks worse to me at least, is the fact that it sucks and you really don't care either way. Like, I don't even feel like being around people but...I don't want to be alone. I know..I am SUCH a walking contradiction..

The Art of Being Alone

I am a loner by nature. I know that's not common but it's what I am. I walk alone, I go to dinner alone, I travel alone. I think it's because I am so used to myself that I prefer to be by myself. It's like, I walk in a separate reality from others. I view things differently and I have so many conversations with myself.

So, yes, I am depressed. I am a depressed person and I have been since a child. I think it's because of the way I was treated growing up. You see, I have always been told I was an ugly child, and that followed me to my adult hood. People always (my own people at that) told me I was ugly. Boys never wanted to date me, and to this day, men don't like me either. I have a warped view of myself. I don't see me as a desirable person, so I figured maybe if I lost a lot of weight, I would feel better about myself. Not to prove a point to anyone, but just to see if I could start to like myself a bit more.

 I grew to see and understand that people hurt you so I learned to stay away. You have to be someone very special in order to get close to me. I understand that not everyone is out to attack you, but at the same time, better safe than sorry.

I do get lonely though. I go through periods of feeling totally ugly and not fit to be viewed by others. I also wish I weren't me sometimes. Other days I feel that I am fair. It's all about self perception but I don't think I am pretty at all. No matter. I don't think I'll care tomorrow. Right now, I am just lonely and...I still don't get how one can be so lonely but still not want to be bothered with anyone. Mostly it's please leave me alone and all in my self righteous anger and annoyed inner feelings. But that's just me and my weirdness. I don't post about it on Facebook because I don't want to seem to be a whiny person. I keep it all inside. No one cares either way.

Today I couldn't get out of bed. I can be honest and say that. I looked in the mirror and wanted to vomit. I did force myself out to the library. I felt like a rat scurrying to and from my hole. I'm also writing in a stiff fashion. I can always tell when I am going through a mental hiccup.Tomorrow will be better, or maybe it won't.

Let's talk Miyavi

This is my section that I call "J Rock Infected." Those who know me, know that I have a passion for Japan and Japanese music. My tastes run from J rock, to J hip hop, and my all time favorite, Visual Kei!

I wanted to get into Miyavi.

Miyavi is really Takamasa Ishihara (石原 貴雅 Ishihara Takamasa, born September 14, 1981) who is a Japanese visual kei musician. His work as guitarist for Due le Quartz and his successful solo career has really established him as an accomplished musician in the Japanese music scene. Miyavi calls himself the "Samurai Guitarist." His playing style is unique, as he does all sorts of tricks and slap picking on top of his jumping about and smiling as he plays.His mother is Japanese and his father is Korean. He is also 6'1. He came to the US to learn English and is married and has two daughters.He currently resides in Japan. 

(Yeah, I have a slight crush on him..I know..hush.) Right now he is touring and comes to the States regularly. 

A few more pictures of him and two videos:"Selfish Love" and "Survive" which are my favorite songs of his..oh, and "Torture." Enjoy.

I hope you enjoyed the first installment of "J Rock Infected!" Sayonara!

Tooth pain and presents!

Okay, so my tooth has been killing me for months now. I just got health insurance and I dashed off to the dentist. Come to find out, I had an infected gum. I was put on antibiotics and pain meds. Good news is, I get to keep all of my teeth. I am so happy about that. Imagine me, with dentures. I mean I would love to have had veneers but there is nothing like having your own teeth. I go back next week.

I don't understand how I can work for so long and not have health insurance. I had to be damn near destitute in order for me to even be able to get assistance..and I find that to be totally wrong on all levels. I worked and got nothing for it. I swear, I am going to leave this country. I am Japan bound.

I got some lovely presents from my sister. I got some stuff for my teeth and some cream for my knees.The teeth cleaning concoction tasted really good, all natural. I used it as soon as I got it and I was totally impressed. It's called Natura Dentizime I really enjoyed the taste of it, and it foamed a bit as I was brushing too. I will be using it daily in my oral care regimen.

The cream for my knees is called Arnicare. I've not used it yet but I know she wouldn't steer me wrong. I do a lot of walking and will be going back to the gym soon so it came right on time!

She sent me howlite for helping with my insomnia, and ametrine for keeping depression and negative energies away too. Cleaning them now in salt water and the charging comes after. I promise I'll be more interesting next post!

 About to listen to some J rock music..yes!

It's been awhile..

Well, things have been mighty different these last few months. I haven't been writing for a while because of my writer's block and other things. I said I was going to make it a point to write as much as I can every day, because I've become right lazy. So for the past few months I have been working on my fitness. I have always been curvy, but I want to make sure I have myself in hand before the old age hits me. I walk 2-6 miles a day and try to eat better. I really think that when I get myself together, I will be healthier and also happier.

So I am looking for a new job, because my old one wasn't the best of places to work. I think that I am going to just focus on getting myself together with this school thing. I am determined to see it through.

I'm back..and here to stay.

I've realized that I have so much inside of me that needs to come out. I never poured my heart out on a blog..but here goes. I am a pro dumpee. Meaning that I get dumped professionally..well, on a professional level. That's not to say that I am a wretched person. No. I am just not good with men. Men don't seem to want to BE with me. I don't know what it is.As soon as I mention commitment..it's the sound of screeching tires. I often wonder what is so wrong with me..why I can't seem to have a loving relationship..and if I'm going to die alone. I'm 38. I've never been married, nor been asked. Spinster..that I am.

I think it's just the nature of the beast. The man I want doesn't want a commitment..but was more than happy enough to pretend. I look at myself and wonder what is so wrong with me. I used to think that maybe it wasn't meant for me to be happy. Life can be a cruel joke, can't it? I'm so good at crying. I really am..

Well..I've got so much to talk about..

I've been away for a bit. Let's catch up, shall we?

I've gone back to school, my daughter has joined the gym with me, we have a puppy named Sasha who's a white German Shepherd..and he and I have gotten back together.

I know, I know..crazy right? But like I say often..boys are stupid. We actually talked about marriage and etc. I feel that I have been so stretched out between everything..I need to breathe. But at the same time, I am elated. I know that I have prayed, and hoped and wished, but it's here. Now all I have to do is think about other things, like dresses and money..but one day at a time. It's like I am so happy that he's back that I feel like I'm rambling.

I am so grateful that the orisha and my ancestors have finally gotten the fact that I've been so down for so long and that I needed a reprieve. I thank them for that. I think I'll get more deeper into everything when I get myself together.

Requiem

I am so ready for love, but love’s not ready for me,
I wander through this life trying to realise
what is so wrong with me,
is it my soul?
What have I done to deserve this?
I think of the ways that I have been uplifted thinking that this..
this..
was the portal to the place where
I would finally feel that warm feeling..
where is my place?
I can only love him from afar.
and wish that I had him to take me.
take me..
take me,
hold me close,
and fill me with the absolute joy of compassion..
yet I’m so powerless..
and there’s nothing I can do..
I picked myself up,
brushed my shoulders off and I continue my journey,
tears that refuse to fall sear my eyes like second hand smoke..
I can’t help that I love..
I can’t help that I yearn..
and my verses mean nothing,
its like banging my head on a brick wall..
looking at my own blood smeared on the surface,
and he doesn’t hear me!
And my feelings are turning to poison,
slowly choking me, taunting me..
saying “You’re worthless..”
my bed is so cold, and my arms are empty,
waking up to sterile nothingness,
wishing that I had the feel of his hand on my thigh..
and I walk alone once again…
my misery is unnoticed,
why should he care?
Why should I even bother reaching out for him?
(he doesn’t want you)
my spirit whispers.. whispers in my ears and echoes
down the dark lonely tunnel which is my future…
I am so ready for love,
but love’s not ready for me..
the way that I inhaled him,
the way our insides lit up every time we touched..
means nothing,
and I will walk alone forever..
pretending that this love doesn’t exist.
.moving on in silence.
I swallowed my pride and laid open my heart..
to no avail…for me, it’s winter all the time,..
for me, its raining, for me,
no love…
time to carry on right?
Time to continue living..
and love him from a distance..
The more I think of him the more I want to call.
but I can’t..because
its not my place anymore.
The sound of his voice is tattooed on my heart,
his smile is branded behind my eyelids.
and even though he’s not with me,
I am with him.,
even if he doesn’t feel my presence..
when things went wrong I imagined it wasn’t real..
what a fine line between this and that..
and even though he is the closest to me,
he’s still so distant..
why does the one that is the closest to you,
always seem to hold you the furthest away?
Yet I still want to see tomorrow with him..
a tiny taste of hypocrisy, because I fake it so well..
I pretend that I’m where I used to be,
so the dull ache will dissipate..
keeping everything inside..
I put on my mask, yet I wind up alone again..
waking up in the middle of the night alone again,
crying by myself.. alone again,
masturbating slowly, alone again..
wiping my own tears, alone again.
I am so ready for love,
yet love’s not ready for me.
I have chosen to take as much as I could stand,
and I can’t seem to enjoy the night like I used to..
tried to tell him about the state I’m in..
my bubble burst,..
and I miss the way we were..
damn..
those good feelings come back to haunt me,
and I want to crawl into his arms and ask him
to please take some of my pain away
because..
sometimes I need to be touched,
I miss being touched
but.. I am a soldier.. I lace up my iron corset
and
shoulder my feelings like a automatic Kalashnikov..
facing the setting sun,
marching on to the forest of eternal night.
swallowing my emotions
and setting my jaw into that steady line…
Oh God, I am so ready for love
but..
love’s just not ready for me…

(c) J.E. 2010

Thank you, David

I was reading David's blog..(who is a dear friend of mine, who I respect and love so much) and I read this piece that he posted:

"Through sacrifice and the investing into the one person that you have to face the rest of your life, YOU. You can attain a beautiful place in solitude, peace in your spirit and a pep in your step."-David Sosa

He raises a valid point. This is something I need to do. I just knew where to start though..

Blue

Right then, today I felt depressed. I am sitting here contemplating starting  my book..but my thoughts are all over the damned place. I said that I was going to attempt it..and I will, I just need to focus. I also said to myself that I was going to start harnessing my spiritual greatness. That wasn't meant to sound arrogant, believe me. I just know that I have a calling and I'm going to do what I must to grow in it. My ancestors want me to, and I shall. I am so lonely. Winter seems to be doing its job on me, seriously. I said that I was going to blog everyday..even if I didn't feel like it. I don't have anything witty to say, nor do I wish to talk about these vapid celebrities. I just want to bare my soul sometimes..as if anyone gives a damn.

It's Friday. I want to be curled up on his futon, watching Netflix with him and laughing at his randomness. It's up to me to lift the block. It's up to him to act on it when it's lifted. Now, I systematically feel like I am being pulled to bits.

My sadness is spinning out. I feel alone, and tragic..but I know I'm blocked. He is blocked. I just feel like screaming sometimes. The wind howls..and I sit here..looking about my room, feeling like I want to rip my skin off and wash the inside of me with salt water. I call out to my ancestors and Orisha for guidance, but I feel like I'm yelling into a rusty pipe. My cries echo back to me...and I sit here still, alone.